Is Your Hero Not Romantic?

So he doesn't bring you flowers or chocolates. Nor does he write you love notes and love poems.

Is he, therefore, undeserving to be called your real life hero?

A fellow romance writer who was in her twenties complained to me that she found her husband lacking because she wanted him to behave like her romance novel heroes.

I've heard and read about other women with the same sentiments. They compare their boyfriends/lovers/husbands to the heroes of romance novels, romantic movies and romantic TV shows and then whine about how the real men pale in comparison.

Hey, listen. Do we want ourselves compared to those heroines who always look perfect, say the perfect words, cook up and serve perfect meals and keep the house immaculate all the time? I don't think so.

Fiction is fiction. It's why we love those novels, and even those soap operas and romantic movies. They provide us with the perfect fantasy. Enjoy it but don't expect reality to match it scene by scene.

Wait, you say. Didn't I just declare in my previous post that I write my romance novels because I want the world to know that true and enduring love exists? And that I offer my marriage as proof of this?

Yes, and I do model my heroes on my husband. But not vice versa.

I make my heroes share the core values I admire and love in my husband: innate goodness and kindness, empathy, honesty, generosity of spirit, fidelity and the ability to love deeply, among many others.

My heroes share these values but do not show them in the same manner each time. Each has his own personality quirks and baggages brought on by his own life experiences. One may be the chocolates-roses-candlelight-and-love-poems kind of guy. Another may be the knight-in-shining-armor. Yet another could be the shy and quiet type whose eyes do all the talking.

If romance novel heroes could love in so many different ways, then how much more for real men?

My husband doesn't bring me flowers. We both think it's impractical. I'd rather enjoy the beauty of flowers in nature, without the need to buy them for so much only to watch them die. (Of course many women will disagree with me and I don't blame you. Do enjoy your flowers. This is just me.)

Neither does B take me to candlelit dinners. When we go out to eat, it's more like eat-all-you-can pig outs with the kids. We enjoy it more that way.

Nor does he buy chocolates only for me. It has to be enough for the five of us - chocoholics all. And dark chocolate, please.

Is he my knight in shining armor? Not in the action star sense. We both still need a lot of exercise before we can even call ourselves fit.But in many other ways, yes, he is my knight in shining armor because he's always ready to give a helping hand to anybody who needs it, not just me.

Do his eyes do the talking? Oh yes, oh how they can talk. But more often, we're both just too tired and sleepy to look deeply into each other's eyes. It's more of a quick tight hug and a kiss goodnight before we comfortably snuggle to sleep.

Does this mean he's not my real life romance hero after all? Come on!

As I said, I don't expect him to be patterned after my romance novel heroes, nor after any other man, fictional or real. He's the man I fell in love with, not any of them.

And yes, I know he loves me. Every inch of me knows this. Deep in my heart I know this. My very soul knows this.

He shows me in his own ways each and every day. They may not always be in the ways traditionally called romantic, but they are his ways and I accept them and value them.

Make a game using a variation of that very popular line from the classic poem: How does he love me? Let me count the ways...

Examine the moments of your daily life. The little things you may have taken for granted. He may have been saying he loves you in so many ways but you weren't paying attention because you wanted it said only in your own terms.

As you're doing this, perhaps you could also ask yourself: How do I tell him and show him I love him?

And then go do a little show-and-tell ;-)

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